I love you so much that it consumes me..

I never want to leave your side again. We're just friends & that may just be all that we will ever be. I've learned that I'm okay with that. I can't MAKE you love me back. But I want to be there with you and for you during this rough time. You are going through a lot. And I'll be the one to say "I'll Stand by You" I hope you'll say the same. You need me the most right now---and me being selfish isn't going to do any favors for the both of us. I just want you to be happy. Like today! I hope whatever we talked about in class helped you out. While we were passing notes; I confessed to you that I am worried about you and that I care for you because you are my friend.. You wrote a letter to me=______= I can't stay mad. I can't--not at you at least. This year has felt like a sail boat....as soon as it sails away---all my worries and fears will sail along with it. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm fine. You draw pretty well I must say! AND YOUR HANDWRITING! Maan, it's seriously improved since last year...haha You treat me different now. Like seriously....when I didn't see you in class when I walked in I thought to myself..."man I must've said something that must've offended him..." and then you like gave me a heart attack when you walked in. I was actually quite shocked. I thought that maybe you didn't want to face reality again...And then you pull my desk next to yours & I insisted that I could just pull it over myself..but instead; you keep pulling me closer and closer to you...(simile?) Sorry if I was mean when I said that you could keep your gum for yourself after you were done eating...(: it's just that your friend has hella bad aim and threw it on the ground....so I didn't want it anymore. DAMN; I forgot the notes in my locker D: ugh. BUT HEEY! THREE DAY WEEKEND; I can't really complain can I ??

Monday: Shopping with Winn&Momm. We haven't done this since Christmas (: I have helllllla shit to do so I may not blog for a whiile ): Hopefully this will be sufficient! I promise I'll make it up once I'm baack.

I hope...

I hope he'll get better. I'm glad he isn't drugged during school. I'm glad he actually wants to talk to me about this stuff.

FUCK you.

"And it really makes me wonder if I ever gave a fuck about you..."

So today I found out that you do some pretty sick shit. Like no lie, I could not believe that you even would do that. I fell for the wrong you. No wonder...What's worse, finding out your friend does illlegal stuff OR finding out you fell for a guy with a Fixed personality...?

Thanks...for nothing. All those memories I remember having with you were actually with a guy who doesn't exist and was too good to be true. I should've known-but I was naive. I really thought I was going to faint when she answered all my questions..like my world felt like it was crashing. My heart felt like it was ripped from me and then tore and then stepped all over on....I feel like shit. like I have this hole in my chest. It hurts too much. Like, I can't even look at you the same. Chyeah right....quitting by the 31st?! WHY on earth would you make promises you KNOW you can't keep?? Yeah, I felt bad for you when she yelled at you but lol..i don't anymore. She had every right to. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. I gotta get my life back on track, the way it WAS. Everyone thought that you WERE supposedly the one -- more like the one that would destroy me. I don't care what you do anymore. FOR ALL I CARE, why don't you NOT come to class and NOT flick me and NOT hug me and just stop talking to me. You make things harder as it is. Whatever, life is empty as of now.

Traditional.

So I'm just about over all that load of shit I fed you guys yesterday (: . I change my moods really quickly. My friends are pressuring me to break a tradition with my LoVeee. I know I just met her and I know our tradition isn't really a tradition...but we are trying to keep it as one! Our tradition is to skip the LAST day of school, for every year of high school, meet up at school, see a teacher waave to let them know we are leaving (:, and then head to DownTown and shop and talk ALL DAY. That's our plan...but people want to have a picnic..which I don't want to attend cause it ssounds boring as fuck. There's like no fire. I also don't want to go because I think they're up to no good--I'm not really talking this guy , rabbit*, and they've already tried to get me and him to meet up and force us to talk. Good thing I was busy that day!! :D And I'm scared that a friend of mine might like him, but I don't want to hurt his feelings and tell him I don't like him back..but anyways! So I'm guessing we will break tradition...and head to the picnic. fawk man.

So omfg. TREEE. He drew a heart on his birthday in my homework notebook..wtf?! Doode, so like I wanted him to go to my locker with me before the homeroom meetng (pretty good speeches!) and yeahh he took my water bottle....again =______=started 'jizzing' people off in the hallways...and then like when we walked out of the classroom brian and edward were 'wrestling' around the hall way and brian was about to crash into me and i put my hand on brian's back to let him know i'm there and then tree puts his hand on my shoulder and puts his hand out for me :D (collective awwww*) and yeahh he was going to sit with me but i just walked away like a jerk...and so he sat with his friend. poop.

and thennn Apple like totally crashes into me in the hallway, on purpose. So then afterschool, I rode the L with him...lol an when it came to his stop...the doors didn't open :P so he had to walk helllaaa. poopoo. MY TWIN, was like making me piggyback ride and then HE carried ME :O he's pretty light...and he kept hugging and touching me. It's not like I have feelings for him but we ARE brother & sister*.

Landaa, my chem teacher, promised us a field trip to the academy of sciences next wednesday! That's so not like her!!

Event-FULL day!

Fawkk; N O W it turns sunny?!

Soo this morning...Tree walked into class a bit laate, and since our seats were arranged into "tables", my back was facing the door--and he hugged like my 'neck' ? O.o. Mhmm. I know. So like then--we both have our homerooms on the 3rd floor and he started talking about "holes in our pants"....from my HUGE waterbottle to that topic...PERVERT. (hao se) I know. So I kept insisting that girls had 'two' and he said 'three'...and he was right cause I was being a dumbass. He held my book for me and took it up those 6 flights of stairs :D . Pluuss, he held my 'huge' waterbottle..

He's fun to flirt with, but we'll just see how far that will last. right?

On to Apple...ugh. WE HAD OUR PRESENTATION! & Russell seemed to like it! :D fuck him and his fucking bad habits, which he won't telll me what they are. BUT, how am I supposed to help him if he won't let me?! Let her* help you...can you do that? Cause I swore to myself that after this project was over, I'd let you go and fly. BUT YOU WON'T LET GO. You just keep pushing harder and harder to the fact where I'm crammed between two..like now. FCUK YOU, because you can drive before I can, and fck you for all the shit you made me go through & fcki you for polluting my mind with the idea that there may be a chance. MAY be. You know today, wen I walking towards the doors with Henley & he asked me where Whoreman was, I turned back to see if HE* was there and you were looking at me dead in the eye. LIKE, seriously?!

I like talking about Tree better :D. After chem, I see samson, my sea man*, and I say "SAMSON!" and tree looks at me lol..and I just go Hi Branden. and he says hi back. He seemed kinda pissed xD butt ohwell. I didn't even see him!.

It's hard when your heart is like a splitend, it goes out in two+ directions, making it harder to choose which side you should pull towards .

So some freshmangirl got some hate for me. And all I have to say is FCK you too! Just jealous* over what you and your "bff" have?! I thought you would totally understand! She and I just totally clicked and ther's nothing to hate about that (: In fact, you should be happy for your friend and tell her that you're glad she's making some friends--especially older ones! I can't deal with your BS, and if you can't take me being there when you're there, just fcking WALK AWAY cause I'm not going ANYWHERE, hunn.

haha...and there's this MERCY girl who wants to "beat me up" jsut cause i made my LoVee cry...like seriously?! EVERYONE CRIES WHEN THEY HAVE FIGHTS WITH THEIR BFF! Shiiit, and now I'm the bad guy? SHE makes me cry too! You dont see me tellling other people about our shit, my lovee. It's between you and I. And maybe it's too hard for you to hold it all in? Haha. Funny, cause when you're around me you seem to hold it all in just fine. So waht?! You found out about duckie's drinking problems---WHO GIVES A SHIT?! I found out MONTHS ago! She quit and she was just probably having a light drink with friends. You don't even know the FUCKING STORY and ya gonna go spread shit to the girl who wants to beat me? Dree wouldn't want that and you know it! She doesn't want that bitch fucking with her life problems. It's not even your story to tell! So just stay out of it. You know she's different and you know she's probably not going to be the way she was--so JUST LET IT ALL GO and just enjoy the limited times you have with her--like I did today. Don't take alll this shit for granted. I would LOVE to see your friend actually have the courage to beat me up. Her size dont' intimidate one fucking bit. In fact--I'm like a good 3-4 inches taller; she wider. I don't give a shit. If she were actually going to pound me, well -- Karma's a bitch. I don't think I deserve to get hit just for making someone cry...over OUR business. You must really not have a life since you like beating people up :D Which is fine by me, cause I don't hate you or like you I just go with the flow. But youu-have to take it out with physical movements. Maybe it makes you feel superior? I don't know. But hey! The shiit you hear from her, just may be as fake as the real her is. So hold your breath and make sure that it's all true before you regret. I think that you, my lovee, care way too much. It's really her life now--and you can't control it for her. Yeahh, you're trying to be the 'good' friend. I get it. But it's not going to work. I'm just saying. We've drifted apart SO much. I don't even know why I love you, but I do. And it pisses me off because you got a bitch hating on me for your past hate for me. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU LIKE HER SO MUCH, cause SHE'S the one with the problems and she's the one you should stp talking to.

Man I let out a lot. (:

Thanks for listening to my bullshit <3

Hate.

Haha; this quote is totally like written for me (:

JV Girl's quote: (did I write this already?) Chance made us friends but...time made us sisters.

So like. He used the B I G "h" word with me yesterday night. And I was SO hungover it. But again, I was being retarded. It was Tree's Birthday today! Haha...his friends gave him "princess & Hannah Montana" Balloons; how cuute! His aim status was "this is the life" rofl...ironic.

Apple&my presentation is tmrw...and he said he wanted to CUT FUCKING CLASS! shit. I was going to scream. This project is more than half of our final grade...

Funny cause, he wanted me to write HIS notecards FOR him so I was like umm no. And he was like "I know you love me" and I told him "well you Hate me" and he just started shaking is head. I KNOW, HE'S PROBABLY USING ME. But when I'm with him--I'm happy and I feel like I have something to live for. He's the reason I look forward to school and look forward to seeing. It probably WON'T workout but I'll just stay this way--just cause.

Glitterry

I thought that quote over there is pretty good (: ---> So Amanda and I made some really pretty cards as a 'goodbye' gift to our JV Swim girls. I must say--they turned out pretty nice from two un-creative people! We basically spent the whole day together&learned hella about each other & each other's friends, whom we THOUGHT* we knew. It was a really good day cause it was sunny and there was a bit of breeeze. Ohman...the Bay to Breakers was crazy! Naked women AND men =________= My daddy says thatit'll turn into a 'parade' instead of a marathon soon! That sounds so fun, it's like a Halloween in the summer!

So like Amanda and I made plans for the day after we get out of school! We are going to hit up Ocean Ave! lol and as she said "be like the people in LA and wear long summer dresses and wear sunglasses (:" and then we are going to visit that InStyle boutique, Lili Knit, and get acrylics from Jolie! Spa. :D sounds fun huh?

My dad wants a "deck" now...=____= but mommy doesn't. He says that it's for Prince. That's some pretty fucking extravagant gift for a little ass dog ! haha okay PMS!