Realize;

I think it's time for me to start realizing that this isn't going to work out. He's always going to cutting class just to see that girl. You know what? Wannabe-lover has seriously moved on & even though I don't know her all that much; I'm so happy for her! I'm weird I know. She truly looks happy. Iwish I could find happiness like that. I don't know; but I think God is holding me out till the PERFECT* one comes for me. I either feel like I'm not good enough; or I'm too good @ times...but it's usually the other way around. So I don't know how I feel. I know I should be focusing on school work and getting into the classes I want and doing well on STAR testing but I can't help but feel the need to feel loved. I don't have a best friend to talk to about this; other than my sister but someone who isn't related. Like really No one. I just can't seem to find the right words to say to her anymore. Everytime I do something; I feel like it's not the same and it's wrong. We don't agree on the same thngs as we did before. We're just drifitng away. I feel like materialism has grown on me. Like I can't stop buying things. Some of the stuff I have; I already have--like I have duplicates...for no good reason. I need to make sure I buy things that can last. That was my theory before; but I have drifted away so far that I'm not sure if I can drift back. I will keep everything to myself. I have totally unraveled. Every that I am used to; I am no longer familiar to. I am not who I was last year. I didn't let guys get in the way of my success. & I will never ever let that happen again. I admire the both of them; and I love the both of them equally. They both brought me two different types of happiness that I would've never felt--ever. Maybe I wasn't meant to love. Maybe this isn't what God had in mind. Maybe I'm going to be one of those business women--who adopts like two children and has nannies; no husband. Just work work work. Constant. I LOVE work. I absolutely do. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. It's where I can be by myself---no distractions or interruptions. I just do what I do. I need a way or someone to help/remind me along the way; to stay in track--for now. How did I end up like this?